Week 3 Review

 Hello League-Mates!

Welcome to the Week 3 Review! It's been a rollercoaster ride for some of us, others its been a perfect start, and for one of us, it's been a shit show if there ever one.

I know that most, it not all, of you have been waiting and wondering what kind of mind-blowing, thought provoking material that I may have in store for this week's review. And here it is....I really fucking hate my team. 

I was so excited, so ready to kick all of your asses that I literally couldn't sleep for weeks. I cannot stress my confidence levels. I mean I felt like it was going to be like beating up children in a kid's karate class. I envisioned all of you as blades of grass and I was the lawnmower. Sure, I may have lost a week here or there, however; I did not envision that the grass was actually me and the lawnmower was either karma, or the rest of the league. Now if any of you know me, that doesn't deter my ability to still talk shit and degrade each and every one of your fantasy teams. 

I've already roasted myself, so let's start with the 9th place team: Kaleigh, "Booze Bags". You're off to a 1-2 start. Your little game of possum (or opossum if we want to get technical) maybe fooling everyone, but you're still not fooling me. I just hope that you are aware that I am aware that you are aware that I know you are sandbagging. So go ahead and continue to sit on your throne of lies and deceit, Liar McLiarson. 

8th Place team: Caleb, "NIGHT OWLS". I've never really paid attention to how loudly your team name is spelled. It's like goddamn we get it, you're a group of owls that are up at night. A group of owls is called a "parliament" by the way. So maybe you could change your team name to "Nocturnal Parliament". That just screams awesomeness. And that might be the only awesome thing about your team if you choose to do so. 

7th Place team: John Sr, "Password is Tacos". John Sr., whether you know it or not, we have a rivalry. Why? Two words: Devonta Freeman. You spent (checks notes), $80 dollars on Ford! I love it to be honest, that's what the FAAB is for. Hopefully it works out for you, but this week, it's time for the Space Coyotes to get that first "W". And getting it against a man who openly gives out his password, is totally going to be satisfying. 

6th Place team: Kory, "Run and Tug". Kory, whether it comes to placing a massive five leg parlay, or drafting the team that you did, you just always seem to come up short. I still don't know what your team name implies. Are you randomly running up to strange men and tugging their junk? Or are you jerking off while running? I don't know. But if either of those are remotely true, may God have mercy on your soul, and I award you no points. 

5th Place team: Ian, "Dog Orgy". I seriously don't know how you do it. I thought your draft may have been a train wreck. But here I sit, writing this article, completely wrong. However, I did look it up and dog orgies are illegal. It's actually a form of bestiality to be intrigued by such a bizarre occurrence, and I have informed the FBI of your crimes against the canine population. Also, Travis Kelce is going to go downhill because no one has ever dated Taylor Swift and lived to be successful afterwards. NO ONE!

4th Place team: Patrick, "Crack Smokin' Monkeys". I have also looked up giving crack to monkeys, and that too is very much illegal. I have informed the FBI as well. So, while you sit in prison, doing time for giving primates powerful drugs, I just hope you know that George Kittle is the low man on the feeding chain, Calvin Ridley is probably still gambling, or doing steroids, or whatever the hell he got in trouble for, and Cooper Kupp isn't coming back for a loooonnnnngggggg time. #AllhailPuka 

3rd Place team: Jenna, "Sneaky Snail". I must admit, your team name is very fitting for you this year. You have been quite sneaky, but snails are slow. And what happens to slow animals? They get eaten. Enjoy your time in the top 3, Jenna, for you shall not be there much longer. 

2nd Place team, Dad/Larry, "Didy P". You have blossomed into quite the threat young grasshopper. I mean I can see how since you sniped like 90% of the players I was secretly targeting. I also thought that you maybe spitting some rhymes at the garage since your team name is that of a rapper who may or may not be a P-Diddy knock-off. 

1st Place team, Johnny, "Conntenders". If there was anyone, I thought might be in first place and 3-0, it was you. But I have confidence that you are much like Icarus, and you are flying much too high right now. It's only a matter of time until the sun melts your wings, and you crash into the ocean of Fantasy Football and drown!!! I hate that you drafted CMC, and I hate that Deebo Smauel is actually doing something this year. I hate it all. I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed, that's all. 

My job here is complete. 

I wish you all peace, love, and Fantasy Football prosperity. 

Thanks!

Carl