How to Expect the Expected and Not the Unexpected

Hello League-Mates!

And welcome to another pre-draft edition of The Fantasy Report with Carl!

Last week's Mock Draft has been nominated for a Scripps Howard Award. So, to those of you who read it thank you, and for those of you that didn't, well, you're probably not reading this, so whatever. 

The Fantasy Football preseason is full of lists. For example, Top 5 Busts Candidates, Top 5 League-Winners, etc. These lists are literally everywhere on every site and in every fantasy publication. We cannot escape them. And frankly most of the time these lists are merely click bait. However, in the spirit of my fellow fantasy sports sites, I have decided to create a Top 10 list. 

I won't write a prolonged paragraph teasing you the reader. I'll just simply get into it. 

Here are the Top 10 things that will happen at our draft:

10. Someone will forget that it's their turn to pick. This is inevitable. Whether someone loses track of the draft because they are talking to someone, getting food, or doodling, we will eventually have to remind someone it's their turn. 

9. Someone will forget that a particular player was already drafted. Listen, I'm all for the medicinal use of marijuana. I used to partake in it quite frequently when I was younger. I'm not going to judge anyone who uses it, but don't forget that it causes memory loss and time dysplasia. Also, alcohol is fun in proper quantities. But that too, can cause memory loss. So please make sure to keep your draft cheat sheets updated. 

8. Someone will ask where we got the food. I don't know. Ask my wife. She makes everything. 

7. Someone will spill their drink. Luckily, the draft is always held in a garage. Therefore, the damage is minimal. Just remember that if you are the one who spills something, be sure to make as big as a scene as possible. Yell, jump up from your seat, and start wiping pretend liquid off your arms or pants in disgust. If you don't do this, did you really spill anything? 

6. "Where's an astray?" The ashtray will be located outside on the ledge of the garage. 

5. My dad (Uncle Larry, Larry, Lar Bear) will be there, and he will insult someone. Where do you all think I get it from? My mom? No. He will be there, he will have his high life, and he will insult someone. He may call someone a liberal. He may call out Kory for something. But he will sit at my work bench with a sweat towel and make sure to get a jab in or two. 

4. The wardrobe. Kory will wear his Walter Payton jersey; Johnny will wear a Bears hat; I will wear a Bears shirt. This never changes. It never will either. 

3. The new rules debate. I don't know what new rules will be proposed, but this always happens. There are a few of us who are going to be enthralled with the discussions, and there will be those who don't pay attention or don't want anything to change. Listen, our league has grown because we have allowed it to change. Change is good, and we can always go back if something doesn't work. Not all proposals will get passed, it took me what, 4 years to get the FAAB passed?

2. Someone will show up late. THE DRAFT STARTS AT NOON. Starts times are not philosophical, arbitrary conceptions. They are black and white. Only college parties have general start times. If you're running late, let us know. That way we can all do something else to pass the time. And be realistic about how late you are running.  

1. Johnny, Patrick, and I will critique your drafts after the draft is finished. This might be my second favorite thing about the draft. We do it every year and it comes naturally. We just kind of gravitate towards the draft board. And then we judge. We judge so hard that even the snobby women at church have nothing on us. And what are any of you going to do about it? That's right, nothing. 

There you have it, the Top 10 Draft Day list. 

I will see you all soon!

I wish you peace, love, and fantasy football prosperity. 

Sincerely, 

Carl